


Encounters

by scheherezhad



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-16
Updated: 2007-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:57:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1625477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scheherezhad/pseuds/scheherezhad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's tough work being the most fantastic man in the universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Encounters

**Author's Note:**

> Written for eleveninches

 

 

"Everything You Need To Know About Being Ace Rimmer." It was stamped in silver on the cover of disc case tucked behind the seat of the ship. A handy-dandy, lightweight and portable manual to send him up, up, up the ziggurat, lickity-split. A wondrous tome to teach him how to be the man he'd always wished to be. Well, men, as it turned out. Because there'd been quite a number of them by now, hadn't there? All those other Rimmers. All those men with his name, and his parents, and lives that had gone down paths so disgustingly well compared to his. Successful, they were.

That's why he needed the manual, to keep all their exploits straight, to know how to act if he visited any of their home dimensions. He had to act like he'd always been Ace. Always confident, successful, sexy. Always ready with a cocky grin and a quip or a nickname that said, "yes, I am fantastic, and I know you, and I think you're fantastic, too (just not quite as fantastic as me)."

So the first step for the newest Ace Rimmer--formerly one Arnold J Rimmer, formerly second technician on the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf--was to set his ship on cruise and take a nap.

* * *

When he woke up, it was to a warning klaxon, rather unlike the half-hearted prodding he was used to from Holly. The instruments showed another ship approaching. One panel showed an incoming communication. Hesitantly, Rimmer accepted it. A pale blue-skinned humanoid appeared on the screen, and Rimmer sat up attentively. Aliens! Real ones that neither would turn out to be Red Dwarf refuse nor had originated from the mutated fungi in Lister's dirty socks. He had to force his expression away from 'excited' and into 'cocky.' It got stuck somewhere around 'half-witted goit.'

"Greetings. This is Thecran exploratory vessel Narat Seven. I am Special Liaisons Officer Sarthac."

"I'm Rimmer. Arn--er, Ace Rimmer. Explorer, hero, and ladies' man." He leaned back in his seat and winked at Sarthrax, or whatever it'd called itself. "What can Ace do to make your life better?"

"We wish to bring you aboard our ship for an exchange. It is the goal of our explorations to contact as many other life forms as possible and to learn everything we can from them."

Rimmer began to feel panicky. He knew he'd be found out as a fraud if they got hold of him before he went over the manual. Ace Rimmer was the epitome of cool. Suave. Irresistibly sexy. He could _not_ come off like a git. "That's a...very noble goal, but is there any way we could reschedule? I'm afraid I've got a very important rendezvous with some...orphans. Can't bear to disappoint the little tykes. Not with them being deathly ill and all."

Sarthac tilted its--his? her? Rimmer couldn't tell what the placement of the lumpy bits on this thing meant--head to one side thoughtfully. "Then you must allow us to escort you to this rendezvous. Our ship will reach your destination far more quickly than will your own."

"No, no. Bad idea," Rimmer said quickly. "The children are highly contagious right now, unless you've been inoculated against, er, Quagaarian Flu-pox. Oozing pustules all over, projectile vomiting, spastic colon--awful stuff. So easy to spread that you can get it just by making eye contact. And we don't want to risk your whole crew in case a teeny mistake like that like that were made, now do we? No, I should say not. Best to let me handle it on my own." He nodded wisely and prayed that would be enough to make the thing leave him alone. He'd nearly made himself ill with that description of the flu-pox.

"Perhaps the situation is not so bleak? My people excel in medical science."

Rimmer was near ready to beat his head on the console. Was there nothing he could say to make this thing give up and leave him in peace long enough to do a bit of revision on being himself?

"Sarthac!" a new voice cut in. "You're not authorized to use the communications system to contact alien life forms."

The speaker was momentarily blocked from view when Sarthac stood and stammered out an apology for abusing the ship's systems. When it moved, a darker blue alien took its place, and by the body proportions, Rimmer decided this one must be female and Sarthac was male. This one had a device like a remote control in her hand.

"I am sorry about Sarthac," she said. The way she said it, Rimmer supposed this was a regular occurrence with Sarthac. "He has something of an obsession with alien life forms. We shall discipline him for making unauthorized contact with you."

"No apologizes necessary. No harm done, so I'll just be on my way, shall I?"

"Of course." The Thecran gestured with the remote. "If you'll just look this way for a moment..."

* * *

When he woke up, Rimmer stretched as much as he could in the confinement of the cockpit. Lovely nap he'd had, although when he looked at the chronometer, he saw that it was less of a nap and more of a whole day wasted asleep. And he had the nagging feeling that he'd been dreaming about aliens again. On the up side, he was well away from the Red Dwarf now. Time to do a bit of revision on being himself, now that he didn't have to worry about being discovered.

He checked his course, decided it was fine for the time being, and slipped "Everything You Need To Know About Being Ace Rimmer" into the reader. He quickly found himself engrossed in the information his many alternate selves had compiled. Particularly the sections referencing the range of social interactions he hadn't realized were available to him as a hard light hologram. Rimmer had just made a note to search for alternate McGruders when the ship indicated he had reached his destination.

What the smeg was he doing at a sanitarium planet for terminally ill orphans?

 


End file.
